Happy Birthday, My Dear Sweet Love

I write this with tears running down my cheeks. Today is what would have been your forty-first birthday. Even as you got older, you grew more beautiful and even though cancer was taking it’s toll on your body and mind, you still held it all so gracefully. There will be get-togethers to remember you. Friends and family sharing memories, but they will not be the same because they will lack that youthful laugh and smile and the little crinkle around the corners of your eyes.

I sometimes find myself reaching out for you or looking expectantly at the door, waiting for you to make your entrance, knowing full well, that you are not here anymore. I can hear your voice. It hangs there on the wind, or on the edge of whatever other noise is being made. I’ll turn and strain to listen harder. The following silence hurts. I talk to you at night before I go to sleep. Lilly and I will say “hi” in our prayers. She will, every once in a while, just yell out, “I love you, Mommy,” especially if she’s happy about something. She asks if you will come back and I bite my lip and tell her, “no.” She will then tell me that she knows that Mama is in Heaven with Grandpa Jim, and the cats, Jade and Tigger. She’s only seen Tigger in photos. She loves to watch videos and look at photos of her and Mama. Some videos she will play over and over. She has just the hint of a smile on her lips when she does. We all have smiles when we think of you.

Carroll, I don’t know if this will ever end, but I pray to God that as time goes by it gets easier. You were taken from this Earth too early. We were supposed to grow old together and watch our child grow into a wonderful loving young woman. I know that she still will, but there are too many things that you were to teach her that I can’t. I know we’ll make it, but it doesn’t change the fact, that you are not here. You have to watch from the sidelines, though I’ve heard the stadium seating where you are is “heavenly.”

Sorry, I didn’t mean for this to turn into a whiney post, but I just needed to vent. I only wanted to tell you that I miss my best friend and soul mate and love to end all loves. I miss you and happy birthday. Your faithful and loving husband, James.

Love is . . .

Some, most, a few may know that Carroll was actually a natural blonde. It wasn’t a classified government secret or anything, but she was sure to never let the roots get too far out. I only saw her for a few months as a blonde in our entire ten years together. She said that it made her look washed out with her pale skin, and no amount of sun was going to darken that skin. She tried.

Growing up, I always seemed to gravitate towards blondes but somewhere out there I started dating red heads. Don’t know when, but there came a time when I could start going back over past girlfriends and there was a pattern. I never actually went out looking and said, “yep, I’m only gonna date reds!” It just happened that way. I guess, in a way, I got the girl that could meet both requirements.

Needless to say, I shed a tear for my lost Carroll when I made the mistake of checking my Facebook during lunch and found this. It’s okay. I’m smiling now.

Lilly Chooses Her First Tat

Most people may not know that Carroll had a tattoo. She tells of how she tried to keep it from her father, but somehow it slipped out and the next time she called her mother, Jim, her father who was a tried-and-true upstanding Prior Marine American Dad, yells in the background, “what’s this about a tattoo?!?”

It was nothing major, by today’s standards it was a little tame. Just a celtic knot design made of cats in green ink. I don’t ever remember her saying anything about except that she liked the design like she liked cats. If anyone knows anything different, please tell me. But, she had it put on her shoulder and you could see it only if she wore spaghetti straps or tank top, which she only wore around the house.

Except for our wedding day. She thought about hiding it, but we agreed that that was not who she was, so proudly display it. Jim would make a comment or two, but he knew that if this was the worse that Carroll would ever do, then he was a winner for sure.

Fast forward to now. Lilly and I are eating pizza and watching TV. She’s really not into WRECK-IT RALPH, though it is the one they were watching at school and the one that she requested. She’ll watch WINNIE THE POOH until my stomach hurts, but that seems to be the only one she likes. So, while I’m trying to get my money’s worth, she is playing with a pack of stickers that she got over the holidays. One of them turned out to be a temporary tattoo of HELLO KITTY. Let’s just say that I, and several family members and friends, have purchased stock in this franchise by buying for Christmas and her birthday. What’s really funny is how she recognized it as a tattoo. Man, they start young. But what happened next and brought a tear to my eye was when she jumped up in my lap and asked me to help her put it on her. “Well, where do you want Daddy to put it, Lilly Bug?”

She reaches back over her right shoulder with her left hand and pats the spot, “right here, Daddy.” Exactly where Mama had her tattoo.

National Brain Tumor Society 5K 2013 Set for November 9, 2013

February 13th, 2013 was the day that we gathered and remembered the amazing woman, wife, and mother that was Carroll. I delivered her eulogy with minimal tears, how, I don’t know, and at the end, I issued a call to crowd. To most honor Carroll, go forth and give of yourself unto others. That is how best to remember her, by emulating her caring spirit. And to give them a starting point, I asked everyone present to come join us at the next Dallas-Ft. Worth Brain Tumor Walk.

The date has been set on the National Brain Tumor Society site, but the link for the walk has not gone live yet. It probably will not for another month or two, but in the meantime, you can mark your calendars for November 9th, 2013. It will be a Saturday and will start about 7:00 A.M. I can’t expect everyone to make it, but I can hope that we will have a great turnout and we can show people what Kiwi was all about!

I will continue to post the important stuff here for those that don’t have Facebook, but those that do can keep up with the Walk info at A Walk With Kiwi. Come join us!

Breakfast

Just got back from dropping Lilly off at school and made mine & Carroll's usual morning run. Caught myself before I ordered one for her. She always got the breakfast on a bun with sausage. And no egg. I never understood that, but that's what made me love my wife. Those little things like a breakfast sandwich without the "breakfast" on it. lol I miss her bunches.

The Obituary of Carroll Elizabeth Benjamin Pickering

The obituary as it should have run in the Dallas Morning News, if I had wanted to pay $725. I love my wife and her memory, but that money will go somewhere else to better honor her.

Carroll Elizabeth Benjamin Pickering, 40, left behind the pain of stage IV brain cancer that had plagued her for over two years February 3, 2013. She passed away in the comfort of her home in Dallas with family by her side. She was born May 10, 1972 in Houston, Texas.

She is preceded in death by her father, James H. Benjamin. Surviving family members are her husband, James, and daughter, Lillian, mother, Marie Bagert, and siblings Annie Irwin, Katy Benjamin, Margaret Benjamin, and Hank Benjamin. 

She was employed by Neiman Marcus for twelve years as a financial coordinator. She enjoyed traveling with her family and friends and had just completed a trip to the Hill Country and northeastern Georgia with her husband and daughter. She was an avid reader, including bedtime stories to her daughter. She loved making jewelry, cooking and baking, especially around the holidays. She actively participated the last two years of the National Brain Tumor 5K walk with the love and support of family and friends.

A memorial service will be held at 2:00 pm, Wednesday, February 13, 2013 at Sparkman/Hillcrest Northwest Highway Chapel. The family asks, that in lieu of flowers, make a donation in Carroll's name to the National Brain Tumor Society (www.braintumor.org) or to a charity that is close to your heart.

Lindy Bullock-Cox Remembered

When Carroll first got diagnosed and we started doing radiation and chemos, I found a flyer on the wall of Dr. Karen Fink's office for the National Brain Tumor Society 5K Walk and decided to join her team, Fink's Fighters. The next year, I went solo and formed up a team for Carroll called Team Kiwi, Kiwi being her nickname. For three years, my performance was compared to the leader of fund-raising and the person to beat every year. That person was Lindy Bullock-Cox. Lindy passed away three days after Carroll.

I don't know Lindy's story, for even though I watched her dollar amounts leave mine behind in the dust, I never got a chance to meet and talk to her. In fact, for the first time last September, I actually got a chance to see what she looked like.

I do know that Lindy, as well as my wife, was a fighter and will be greatly missed by her family and friends. Take time to remember Lindy and, if possible, leave a donation at www.braintumorcommunity.org/goto/teamlindylou.