Live Like You Were Dying

Post from Joe the Peacock (some language)

This was posted by a gentleman in response to the death of a friend's mother. A woman that he got to know late in life and wished he had spent more time getting to know. And then my response is below that. I have discovered a little too late that money doesn't matter, your work doesn't matter, and fame and fortune are just words. I have redemption in my child because I can share my life the way it was supposed to be shared with Carroll; living life to the fullest. Take those trips and I don't mean the big ones that you save up for a year. The little ones that just get you away and somewhere different. Even if it's just in the back yard away from work. But spend time with your family and friends because one day they will be gone. Love to all.

I lost my wife to brain cancer in February. A month after our daughter turned three and three days after celebrating eight wonderful years of marriage and ten and a half years of just being together. In the end, I still questioned did we spend all the time that we could have? Did we say "I love you" enough? Did I take her to all the wonderful places that we had talked and dreamed about? Sadly, we spent most of our final time talking about the imminence of death and preparing for it. When the doctors could do no more for us, we were told that we had three months. In reality, it was six weeks. My wife actually showed no outward signs of cancer for the majority of that time until the day before she died. And then she was gone. I questioned "Did I do enough to make her happy" and yet in the end her words to me were "I want YOU to be happy." We never have enough time and we will never ever do what we want or say the things that we should enough to our satisfaction in the end. But as you have stated, and the adage goes, live as if YOU were dying and treat everyone with the love that you have for them and when it is over, it will have been enough. Thank you for sharing and allowing me to share, also.

The Day I Became a Dad

Ah, yes, I remember it well. In a dazed and confused sort of way. Sitting in the little room by myself while they prepped Carroll for the cesarean. We had held off learning what gender the baby would be, because the both of us thought it would be wonderful to be surprised. The weeks leading up to the birth had everyone a little antsy and starting to make assumptions. “Oh, if you’re carrying the baby high, it’s going to be a boy.” If it does this it’s a girl, if it kicks a lot, it’s a boy. So much to the point that even Carroll and I started saying “he,” when referring to the baby.

So, there I was sitting in this little room with just my thoughts. If it’s a little boy, what do I teach him first. You know, beyond all that how to use the potty and don’t eat your boogers thing. Of course, there is a study out now that says that booger eating actually helps your immune system, so maybe I won’t harp on that one too much. But then I got to a point where I wondered, “What if it’s a girl? When is a good age to teach her about little boys and WHAT do I teach her?” At that precise instant, the nurse walks in and says that it’s time. Within two minutes my fears were realized and I had a baby girl staring me in the face. Well, I was staring, she didn’t have her eyes open yet. As I placed Lillian next to her Mama’s head where she could get a good look at her brand new baby girl, I looked at Carroll with fear in my eyes and said, “We’re in trouble.”

I miss you Carroll.

Happy Birthday, My Dear Sweet Love

I write this with tears running down my cheeks. Today is what would have been your forty-first birthday. Even as you got older, you grew more beautiful and even though cancer was taking it’s toll on your body and mind, you still held it all so gracefully. There will be get-togethers to remember you. Friends and family sharing memories, but they will not be the same because they will lack that youthful laugh and smile and the little crinkle around the corners of your eyes.

I sometimes find myself reaching out for you or looking expectantly at the door, waiting for you to make your entrance, knowing full well, that you are not here anymore. I can hear your voice. It hangs there on the wind, or on the edge of whatever other noise is being made. I’ll turn and strain to listen harder. The following silence hurts. I talk to you at night before I go to sleep. Lilly and I will say “hi” in our prayers. She will, every once in a while, just yell out, “I love you, Mommy,” especially if she’s happy about something. She asks if you will come back and I bite my lip and tell her, “no.” She will then tell me that she knows that Mama is in Heaven with Grandpa Jim, and the cats, Jade and Tigger. She’s only seen Tigger in photos. She loves to watch videos and look at photos of her and Mama. Some videos she will play over and over. She has just the hint of a smile on her lips when she does. We all have smiles when we think of you.

Carroll, I don’t know if this will ever end, but I pray to God that as time goes by it gets easier. You were taken from this Earth too early. We were supposed to grow old together and watch our child grow into a wonderful loving young woman. I know that she still will, but there are too many things that you were to teach her that I can’t. I know we’ll make it, but it doesn’t change the fact, that you are not here. You have to watch from the sidelines, though I’ve heard the stadium seating where you are is “heavenly.”

Sorry, I didn’t mean for this to turn into a whiney post, but I just needed to vent. I only wanted to tell you that I miss my best friend and soul mate and love to end all loves. I miss you and happy birthday. Your faithful and loving husband, James.

Love is . . .

Some, most, a few may know that Carroll was actually a natural blonde. It wasn’t a classified government secret or anything, but she was sure to never let the roots get too far out. I only saw her for a few months as a blonde in our entire ten years together. She said that it made her look washed out with her pale skin, and no amount of sun was going to darken that skin. She tried.

Growing up, I always seemed to gravitate towards blondes but somewhere out there I started dating red heads. Don’t know when, but there came a time when I could start going back over past girlfriends and there was a pattern. I never actually went out looking and said, “yep, I’m only gonna date reds!” It just happened that way. I guess, in a way, I got the girl that could meet both requirements.

Needless to say, I shed a tear for my lost Carroll when I made the mistake of checking my Facebook during lunch and found this. It’s okay. I’m smiling now.

Lilly Chooses Her First Tat

Most people may not know that Carroll had a tattoo. She tells of how she tried to keep it from her father, but somehow it slipped out and the next time she called her mother, Jim, her father who was a tried-and-true upstanding Prior Marine American Dad, yells in the background, “what’s this about a tattoo?!?”

It was nothing major, by today’s standards it was a little tame. Just a celtic knot design made of cats in green ink. I don’t ever remember her saying anything about except that she liked the design like she liked cats. If anyone knows anything different, please tell me. But, she had it put on her shoulder and you could see it only if she wore spaghetti straps or tank top, which she only wore around the house.

Except for our wedding day. She thought about hiding it, but we agreed that that was not who she was, so proudly display it. Jim would make a comment or two, but he knew that if this was the worse that Carroll would ever do, then he was a winner for sure.

Fast forward to now. Lilly and I are eating pizza and watching TV. She’s really not into WRECK-IT RALPH, though it is the one they were watching at school and the one that she requested. She’ll watch WINNIE THE POOH until my stomach hurts, but that seems to be the only one she likes. So, while I’m trying to get my money’s worth, she is playing with a pack of stickers that she got over the holidays. One of them turned out to be a temporary tattoo of HELLO KITTY. Let’s just say that I, and several family members and friends, have purchased stock in this franchise by buying for Christmas and her birthday. What’s really funny is how she recognized it as a tattoo. Man, they start young. But what happened next and brought a tear to my eye was when she jumped up in my lap and asked me to help her put it on her. “Well, where do you want Daddy to put it, Lilly Bug?”

She reaches back over her right shoulder with her left hand and pats the spot, “right here, Daddy.” Exactly where Mama had her tattoo.

National Brain Tumor Society 5K 2013 Set for November 9, 2013

February 13th, 2013 was the day that we gathered and remembered the amazing woman, wife, and mother that was Carroll. I delivered her eulogy with minimal tears, how, I don’t know, and at the end, I issued a call to crowd. To most honor Carroll, go forth and give of yourself unto others. That is how best to remember her, by emulating her caring spirit. And to give them a starting point, I asked everyone present to come join us at the next Dallas-Ft. Worth Brain Tumor Walk.

The date has been set on the National Brain Tumor Society site, but the link for the walk has not gone live yet. It probably will not for another month or two, but in the meantime, you can mark your calendars for November 9th, 2013. It will be a Saturday and will start about 7:00 A.M. I can’t expect everyone to make it, but I can hope that we will have a great turnout and we can show people what Kiwi was all about!

I will continue to post the important stuff here for those that don’t have Facebook, but those that do can keep up with the Walk info at A Walk With Kiwi. Come join us!

Breakfast

Just got back from dropping Lilly off at school and made mine & Carroll's usual morning run. Caught myself before I ordered one for her. She always got the breakfast on a bun with sausage. And no egg. I never understood that, but that's what made me love my wife. Those little things like a breakfast sandwich without the "breakfast" on it. lol I miss her bunches.