On Butterfly Wings

I haven't posted on here in a while. Been dealing with the loss of my little brother among other things. But that doesn't mean we don't have more memories to post. My brother's death was upsetting to Lilly but she handled it in stride. Seems since we've lost Mama, she has been part of the funeral of five fish, two chicks, and then this recent loss. I know that she is handling it well because of this. Grandma Bitsy told me that one evening Lilly told her that Mama was riding butterflies in heaven. Don’t know where she got that from, but that’s what she said. Then upon finding out about Jeremy’s passing, she got quiet. I asked her if that made her sad and she said yes. I said that that was okay and if she felt like crying, then that was okay, too. She shook her little head. Then she looked up at me and asked, “are there enough butterflies in heaven for Uncle Jeremy to ride, too?” It makes me smile every time I think about it, that Grandpa Jim, Kiwi, Uncle Jeremy, two cats (Jade & Tigger), five fish, and two baby chicks are riding butterflies. Well, maybe not the fish and chicks.

Super Bowl Commercial Was Our Life

Kind of funny that they aired this the day before the one year anniversary of Carroll's passing. It hit me kind of hard, because this WAS me and Carroll. The five years before Lilly came along, we took long drives. We would drive for hours, just hold hands and watch the countryside. This commercial is how I see some of our most memorable moments, enjoying each other's company and nothing but the road whine and the radio to keep us company.

But, it also showed the trips that we took, knowing that some day she wouldn't be there and we just bathed in the moment of togetherness and hoping for that dawn of sunlight that might be a cure or at least a diagnosis of remission. I miss my beloved everyday. This video helps me remember some of our moments. It's strange to say that about a car commercial, but it does.

 

Reaching Out

I think I’ve donated to a dozen charities since Carroll’s passing. Nothing like losing someone close to you to make you feel close to those that are suffering through the same ailments.

I received this video and though I don’t normally watch them because I’m running out of Kleenex, I did this one. And yes, the waterworks were on. Below is a video of a young 12 year old girl with brain cancer, Olivia Wise. She wanted to record Katy Perry’s song ‘Roar’ and someone stepped up and got her some studio time. Katy Perry has some very inspirational songs and this one is no different. There is also a link for a video reply that Katy sent to Olivia. Under the videos are links to donation pages to the Liv Wise Fund.

Donate to the Live Wise Fund.

I donated to Olivia and I’m also walking with my 34 team mates this weekend at the DFW Brain Tumor 5K Walk. If you would like to donate or walk, go to www.braintumorcommunity.org/goto/jameshpickering. If you’d like to walk you need to register before Thursday, November 7.

Katy Perry’s Video Reply

A-Traveling We Will Go

In my last post, I spoke of dreaming about Carroll going on a trip. It’s funny how dreams work. Are they a spiritual window into the another dimension where we can speak with the afterlife or are they just the random file cards of your brain trying to straighten itself out for the next day?

Carroll’s cousin lost a close friend last week and posted about a dream that he had just recently. It was about a picnic with that friend and his family. The friend then got up as if to leave and everyone saying good-bye, then realizing that it wasn’t that kind of good-bye.

In my first dream, Carroll was off to New Mexico to start a new life without me. In the one I had the other night, she was going on a very long cruise. You know, in real life, Carroll loved to travel. In fact, we had just gotten back from a two week trip to visit family when she passed away. I’d like to believe from my dreams that Carroll is still traveling, but from star to star.

I miss you, Carroll.

Happy in New Mexico

I always thought that I would start dreaming about Carroll shortly after she passed, but I didn’t. I thought maybe I was too depressed or grieving too hard and my brain didn’t want to overload me. I always figured that dreaming was the way that the mind helped grieve.

It wasn’t until about a month ago that Lillian started dreaming of Mama. She awoke one morning with a thoughtful look on her face. I asked her what was wrong and she said “nothing.” I pushed and asked if she was thinking about Mama. She replied, “yes.” I remember her talking in her sleep, so I asked if she had dreamed of Mama and again she gave me a quiet little yeah.

“Was it a bad dream?”

“No.”

“Was it a good one?”

“Yeah, it was a good one.”

This gave me a lot of relief. “Well, you know Lilly Bug, that’s Mama’s way of talking to us. She might make us remember a special time that we spent with her, or a place that we used to go. Is that what the dream was about?”

“Yeah.” Nothing more than that. She gave me a little hug and got up to start getting dressed.

She eventually told me about a week later that she had another one and it was good, too. I guess we’re doing okay.

Then I had one this last week. My first. From what I can remember of it, Carroll and I weren’t together, for whatever reason. I thought that we were getting back together and I get this letter. In the letter, it’s from someone else, I don’t know who. I get the gist from the letter that Carroll has either forgotten about me or never knew me, but she has moved to New Mexico and she’s very happy. Very strange, because we visited last New Mexico last May for the eclipse, but no mention of wanting to move there. It was always Ireland that she wanted to move to and I was 100% with her.

After thinking about it for a while and mentioning it to my sister-in-law, Maggie, we surmised this. The dream is my brain’s way of interpreting Carroll’s death. We were together, we’re not now. Carroll hasn’t forgotten me, she’s gone to heaven and by happy, it means that she doesn’t hurt anymore. And if that’s how my brain interprets it, then I’m fine with her being happy in New Mexico.

Good Night, Sweetheart. Hang up the phone.

So, it’s the middle of the night and I come across this video about Fred. Fred recently lost his wife Lorraine after 75 years of marriage. He found a songwriting contest for a local studio in the newspaper and he entered it. Though it was far from the caliber of the songs that the studio was looking for, the guys could hear Fred’s love and devotion in the words of the song and the letter he sent along with it.

She gave me 75 years of her life . . .

After posting the link, I read this article about a man and woman who were married 65 years and then passed away 11 hours apart.

If it weren't for cancer, this is how I believe Carroll and I would have been. Carroll knew within days of first dating that we would probably be together forever and that was fine to us. When we made plans for the future, there was no doubt that we would be there for the other. And this is how we would have finished our lives together; like hanging up the phone after a long late night call, "you go first," "no, you go first," but both knowing that we would see each other in a short while.

Carroll Was My Sixth

Watch and find out why.